


the good in me

by whichlights



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Thor (Movies)
Genre: Gen, Genderfluid Loki (Marvel), Haircuts, Misgendering, infinity war is gonna FUCK ME UP take this, uuuh how to tag
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-28
Updated: 2018-01-28
Packaged: 2019-03-10 11:37:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 756
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13500968
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whichlights/pseuds/whichlights
Summary: Loki looked at himself in the mirror. His hair was getting long.He looked like a mess.





	the good in me

**Author's Note:**

> uuuh who let me listen to [jon bellion](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rvGgV1vTnVE) and write in the middle of the night

Loki looked at his reflection in the mirror. He tapped at the shadows under his eyes. They seemed to get deeper every day. Maybe that was what happened when you didn't sleep. His hair was getting long. He hadn't really noticed it, because he'd stopped caring, but it really was getting long. And it looked like he didn't take care of it. He was pale. He recognized the hard edge in his eyes- the same hard edge of a trapped animal. 

He looked like a mess. 

He touched a strand of his hair. It felt wrong in his hand, heavy and greasy. He didn't let go, but attempted to work his fingers through some of the snarls and tangles. His reflection looked back at him as he fought and lost against his hair. It looked at him daringly. 

"What?" He challenged his reflection. "What do you want?"

"What do you want?" Echoed through the room. Loki paused.

"What do I want?" He asked himself. 

He started twirling a strand of it in his fingers, leaning on the counter towards the mirror. His eyes, dark shadows and all that emotion he couldn't figure out, stared back at him. 

He'd given the Tesseract to Thanos. Really, there was nothing else he could do. He just assumed Thor would hate him for it, he hated himself for it, and old habits died hard, and he wasn't sure he wanted to defy Thanos, so when Thanos said, "come," he followed him.

Loki wondered where Thor was now. 

"Not sure," he said finally in response to his own question. "Not this."

Loki grabbed one of his knives, and twirled it in one hand, continuing to twirl the strand of hair in the other. His eyes in the mirror looked tired. Loki tilted his head at himself, watching the reflection. He blinked at himself. 

He decided he hated his hair. He'd grown it out when he'd first fallen into Thanos' crew, and he'd kept it since, but looking at it made him feel sick. He took a handful of hair in one hand, and his knife in the other, and he cut it off. 

When he set down his knife, his hair was ragged at the ends, unevenly cut. It was roughly a little bit above his shoulders. It was less curly when it was shorter, strangely. Loki gave his reflection a sideways grin and a pair of fingerguns. "Now  _that's_ more like it," he said.

Loki walked away from the mirror, rubbing at his face. He walked with purpose, like someone who knew what he wanted. 

He didn't want _this_.

He walked by Thanos on his way to the door. "Where do you think you're going?" Thanos asked, stepping in front of him.

"Excuse you," Loki said, personally affronted. "I'm going to my brother."

Thanos looked at him. "You cut your hair," he said. 

"I am my own. And I'm going to my brother."

Thanos laughed. "You? You're running back to your precious  _brother_ , who you expect to welcome you with  _open arms_? How many second chances have you wasted? How many times have you hurt him? The people he cares about?"

"Too many," Loki said. "But I'm not yours. I'm going home."

Thanos just laughed harder. "You belong here, you scared little girl. This  _is_ home."

"That thing, you do," Loki gestured with his hand. "Where you misgender me to belittle me- that has to stop."

"You don't give the orders," Thanos said, his voice turning serious. "You  _really_ think Thor will take you back?  _You_?"

"I'm his brother."

"You are  _irredeemable_. You're too far down the rabbit hole to go back."

"It's too late to go back, but it's never too late to stop," Loki whispered. "I'm not going to be a murderer. No more."

"You will be whatever I tell you to be."

"No!" Loki yelled. "No more. I'm done, I'm out."

Thanos grabbed his arm as he went past. "You know the consequences for defying me," he snarled. "The Tesseract was not a done deal, girl, it was amnesty. And it _will_ be revoked."

Loki struggled to pull his arm away. "I'm done hurting people," he insisted.

"But you like it. That's why you're here in the first place."

Loki closed her eyes. She opened them again. "No," she said, one last time. 

Thanos let her go. "You will regret this, boy," he called as Loki walked away.

"I don't doubt you'll try to make me," she replied, not looking back.

She was so dead. 

(Worth it.)

**Author's Note:**

> my tumblr is witchlightsands, my marvel sideblog is genderfluid-loki, and i think i should have written infinity war


End file.
